


Ugly Inside

by Rrrowr



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Jealousy, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-22
Updated: 2012-03-22
Packaged: 2017-11-02 09:25:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/367479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rrrowr/pseuds/Rrrowr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam tries not to be a jealous guy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ugly Inside

Sam tries not to be a jealous guy. He tells himself that it’s not in his blood, but the fact is that he craves attention. It’s not like there’s a shortage of it. He and Dean are pretty evenly split when it comes to picking up women when they drive into town — though for the longest time Sam just plain hadn’t been interested.

It’s not that. It's that somewhere between being the guy with the weird premonition shtick and a puppet for Azazel and then being the guy that started the Apocalypse and all the guilt that comes with it... Well, Sam’s just realized that he has a bone-deep longing for something softer and more welcome. The problem is that he thinks these things when he sees Castiel.

It’s stupid the number of things he tells himself in an effort to shove away his own feelings. Things like: _Dean needs Castiel; he just got out of Hell for fuck’s sake and of all the people that should’ve gotten proof that Heaven was real, I would’ve picked Dean too._ Tiny things. Like seeing how grateful Dean sometimes looks in the split second when Castiel shows up after a couple heartbeats of waiting post-prayer. Like seeing how Dean throws into Castiel’s face how much he doesn’t understand about mankind despite thousands of years of observation. Like the way Dean paces the distance between Castiel and the wall while he talks, as if his presence makes Dean restless — as if Dean couldn’t bear to be close to him, yet being too far away is unthinkable.

Sam doesn’t want to steal Castiel away, but there’s this niggling thought inside him — this awful, jealous idea in the base of his heart — that he’s more deserving of Castiel than Dean. He hates that it’s even there, yet isn’t he the brother that has faith? Isn’t he the brother that holds on to said faith despite _everything_ that happens to them? Does he not _also_ deserve to be saved?

Shame burns in the core of him. Sam knows it’s these very thoughts that make him unworthy. Who is he to tell an angel, “Hey, love me instead”? Who is he to be sad and to grieve as he watches Castiel fall a little further from Heaven with every moment he spends with them? It’s Cas’s choice in the end. With human thoughts and emotions and needs writing themselves across Castiel’s face — all the more bold and obvious for the fact that they’ve never been worn by Castiel before — Sam can hardly begrudge him his decision.

After all, it’s good to just have him around. To have someone that could come to their rescue instead of the other way around. To have someone who was nearly indestructible. Even if he’s here for Dean, it’s good.

Nonetheless, Sam wants to reach out and turn Castiel’s scruffy, care-worn face toward him. He wants to say, “Look at me. Am I really so ugly inside that you can’t even do that?”


End file.
